Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Yearning for Stability

It has been five years now. Five whole years. The promise of Canada. Uncertainty of immigration. False promises from the lawyer. Hopes of an undergraduate degree at McGill - the big university experience I had always dreamed of. Living without ever knowing where I would be in three months' time and hoping to finally make the move and start afresh somewhere new. And how I loved Montreal, my parents would be happy there too. Then in September of last year, five years after we applied to go to Canada, after finishing my degrees, securing a job and finally getting some stability into my daily routine - all the documents were ready for us to go to Montreal!! Sigh. The irony of life!

Now it's finally time for the move and I am filled with all sorts of emotions. After an insanely chaotic year of traveling back and forth from overseas as well as managing the move and all the time-consuming processes that come with it, I am facing the surreal possibility that I am finally going to be settled in one place for good! It feels as though I have been an observer of life for so long and have hardly lived it, just dealing with family obligations and taking life day by day. And it’s funny to think that I used to be (maybe I still am) this big career woman filled with ambitions and goals a rigidly planned out future! Maybe it was a lesson to learn. Allah gave me this year to slow things down and make me realize the importance of other things in this world... I want to start my life. Deep inside, I am just yearning for stability.

In the back of my mind a little by-thought always reverberates. Will I ever be able to attain that stability? Or will I always be a nomad of the world? With my brothers and sisters spread all over North America and the UK with the rest of my extended family in Libya, I doubt I will ever have a place to really call home. Maybe with marriage and a family of my own.. I can plant those seeds. Hmmm.. let’s store that thought away..

So now I find myself in my childhood home for the last time ever. Eighteen years of my life is in this home and every single room has a story. There was so much love, happiness and sadness within these walls and of course, so much familiarity and security. It has always been our little haven from the world. Wherever I travelled and whatever happened, I always had this house to come back to and it was always a relief. I remember that as each of my sisters got married, I would move into her room and relocate my belongings.. until now I am just spread out all over the house.. no place being uniquely mine but at the same time with all of it being mine. I should feel a sort of sadness to let it all go and while I do feel a glimpse of nostalgia already, I am numb.. and doing what I do best - looking to the future for survival.


At 2:19 PM, Blogger Hannu said...

Hi Nura. You always strike a nerve!

It's frustrating not having stability in your life; I had to deal with that for most of my life. But still, I was exposed to and went through experiences that added a lot of value to my character and shaped my personality--experiences I wouldn't have had with stability. Now that I'm settled, hovering over me is the fear of getting all comfy and cozy, falling into it, and taking it for granted--just because it went away many times before when I thought it was for real.

Hang in there, you are almost in this part of the sphere.

At 3:48 PM, Blogger Highlander said...

I wish I could share with you my experiences too ...unfortunately I can only do it in private ya Nura and Hanu ..I'm not ready to get out of the closet yet ..but I know what you are going through sweety...Take lots of pictures of every angle of the house , because memory plays tricks on us!

At 5:08 AM, Blogger removedalready said...

Hi nura,

It's always sad to leave your childhood home, no place can replace it no matter how beautiful. I've been living in the same house since I was 2 (minus the 3 1/2 years living in Libya and 3 1/2 years when my parents were living in New Delhi, India). I feel so attached to it, to the surroundings, we have a few houses around town, but we don't feel like moving. We are so settled here.

But moving to another country is a different stoy. You're not currently in Montreal, are you? But, there's always a new beginning & I'm sure you won't regret it!

At 2:50 AM, Blogger Nura said...

It's heartwarming to read your comment, my dearest Libyan ladies. Hanu, I absolutely agree with you.. these experience add a lot of value and strength to character. Most of the time people are shocked that I am 23 when they find out after I meet them. So I think I have earned my dose of character, ENOUGH ALREADY I WANT TO SETTLE DOWN! Laugh. Don't fear getting settled and comfortable, maybe this is your reward from Allah for getting through it all with a shining smile..

Highlander, I am happy with whatever you wish to share on here habibti and if you'd like to make the rest private - that is perfectly fine I respect that. Glad you can relate. No pictures, don't need any memories!!! For he past three years I have only taken pictures in happy occaisons - see how freakishly sharp my defenses are??!!

Redenclave, there is something magical about you being in that same home up until today.. I bet so much of who you are is tied into that home and I'm glad you have it today and hope you'll be there for years to come inshAllah (maybe when you get married you can ask the hubby to move in???). :o) I am heading to Montreal hopefully in late November and this time, everything will be sold so there will be no coming back (I have flewn four times there and back this year!).

And of course, all of you are more than welcome to visit in Montreal - would be a pleasure to have you!!

At 10:53 AM, Blogger Highlander said...

I am definetely coming inshallah if I can make it to Montreal. Please take pictures of the house Nura..I respect your wishes, but I really would like to see your home when we eventually meet ;)..Think of it as that you will show me and tell me the story of every corner should be nice. Wishing you all the best in your new home.

At 10:47 AM, Blogger .e!manie. said...

*sigh* leaving behind a home that has with it a lifetime of memories is one of the most melancholic steps we can make - whether it was our house in london.. or our previous move 2 years ago here in ottawa - i can say that i know precisely.. precisely that feeling. hmmm and your aching for stability.. subhannaAllah... we should trade spots. im aching for my stagnancy (is that a word?) to get a move on.. and yet here you are... wanting so much to just settle for a while and be still...
i wonder what it'll take to finally satiate ourselves...

At 11:44 AM, Blogger Nura said...

That's the terrifying question.. when will we ever be satisfied or stable? I feel so drained!!!


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