Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.
Apparently, abandonment the first fear that each of us experience as an infant. As such, it is the primal fear. I am reading into it...
"The abandonment wound deepens with each new experience - a loss, a disconnection or a disappointment."
Geneva, the city of diplomacy. Friends would come and go every four years. Summers in Libya. Family would rotate, new cousins discovered, old ones lost, family fights, people disappearing in and out. No consistency, except for the house. The youngest of five, they all left the house.. one by one.. until I was 17 and I was alone at home.
"Abandonment is similar to other types of bereavement, but its grief is complicated by rejection and betrayal."
I have become overly self-sufficient. I tend to keep people at a distance and only let a select few get close. Even those few are either in different continents, far away, or we only see each other a few times a week at most. Distance is always there. I suppose it is comfortable. No one overly close. Not a strong possibility of disappointment or pain. It scares me sometimes.
Have you ever been in a crowd of 20 people you adore.. or received 30 phone calls in one day.. and still feel lonely? Worst still, have you ever come close to being loved, and pushed it away? Does it make sense that you would push something away that you quietly yearn for? And yet, you seem to have no control over it.. as though the self-defense mechanisms are operating on their own.. and you have absolutely no say in the matter.
Have I become the abandoner?